What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 13:48
So whats the point in blame.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My life is so biszare .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
All the time i was locked up.
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Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
What parts of the Bible, if any, are inappropriate to read to children? Why?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
This is soul school!.
I was seconnd youngest,
Is dating in college necessary? Why and why not?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Do you think the number of sissies is on the rise?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
What do most wives fantasize about?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Comes on , in middle age.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I don,t even have a pension.
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was 9 years of age.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I couldn’t, believe it.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He knew the spot.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Was to survive, this bastard.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She was in good health!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Im still living with it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We were not on the streets..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I waited trembling.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
One cannot live in the past .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Why did i forgive my father ?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Who then, do I blame.?
What did i know ?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Would this be the day?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
It was going to be , some day.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I write beautiful poetry .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Especially a lifetime of it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But it wasn’t much.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She found it foreign!.
When she asked me how she looked .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But, we were locked up after school.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
So, i spoilt her more .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We all went to grammer schools
I could never make a relationship work though!
I have no regrets .
I think the readers, may guess!
As i do to all so called friends.?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She loved him until the end.
I will be 64.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And i lived it daily.
I never cut or harmed myself..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She married twice! .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was scared of men, in general
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My family never makes their pension either.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Ive learnt so much.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I said to her
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She wouldn,t have been !
Put me off passion for life!!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I was very sick at this time too.